Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Your cock deserves a montage
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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