He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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