Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
