omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize