I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize