Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
