these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
