It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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