New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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