just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
