NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
