i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
