She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize