Where is the hickey?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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