Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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