I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
