I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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