btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize