Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
