There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
