What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
