Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
