wrigley field is MILF paradise
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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