I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
