you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
