I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize