is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
