There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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