Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
