I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
