i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
In other news, I just burned my penis
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
