listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
