Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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