I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
