I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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