I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
did i just pee glitter
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
