If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
