He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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