I am spending my child support on dildos
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
