Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize