I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
After last night, I could never be a politician.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
