I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we made out on top of his cat.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
