I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
