If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
