Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
