The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
