Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize