Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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