I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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