apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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