I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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