M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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