im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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