I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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