when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
