Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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